Christmas Post 3: Revenge of the Holidays

     What would you say if I told you about a movie that was so embarrassing that one of the most famous directors in the world had it pulled to never be shown again? No, this isn't how I tell you that Avatar: The Way of Water has been laughed out of theaters, though that would be hilarious. I'm sure the sequel will be fine, of course, but this is a much older project, from a world renowned series that only had one movie under its belt at the time. Star Wars, the phenomena that swept the globe in the mid 1970's was such a big deal here in the US that some of the executives decided that they needed to make it more than a movie franchise (that was in the midst of working on what would be a little known film called Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back), but an annual tradition, tied to feelings of season's greetings and joy. That's right, today, I'm discussing the Star Wars Holiday Special, a TV special that aired one time in November of 1978 on CBS and was never shown again. This terrible and hilarious movie has become something of a tradition in my house, and though I haven't seen it in several years at this point, I'll do my best to give just a few examples of just how bizarre this experience is. I have to credit this movie for my ability to enjoy some of the most recent Star Wars films, because the galaxy far, far away isn't an incredibly serious place to me, though I kind of love it for that reason especially.

Happy Life Day!

    This movie has an incredibly simple premise, and one with some definite emotional weight behind it. Han Solo and his best friend Chewbacca are trying to get back to the Wookie homeworld, Kashykk, so that Chewy can celebrate Life Day with his family, but they're held up by an Imperial blockade. Instead of showing that, this masterpiece of cinema decides to focus on Chewbacca's family. There's Itchy, Chewy's father, Lumpy, his son, and Malla, his wife, and for nearly the entire runtime of this movie, you hear them grunt and converse in the Wookie grunts and roars that Chewbacca is best known for. It's not entirely them, they'll occasionally receive calls from various different stars from back in the day, dressed in Star Wars-esque attire. Harvey Korman, Bea Arthur, and even Jefferson Starship make appearances in this special, along with the entire main cast of the original Star Wars reprising their roles. As the story goes, this special was filmed while they were working on Episode V, so these main characters had pretty minor roles, hence the decision to focus on Chewbacca's family. Almost all of these interactions with the main characters were done through video calls, as the planet is locked down by the Empire. There's a climatic point when the Wookie home is invaded by several imperial officers, and then they stay there for entirely too long and kill any sort of tension that could be there. While discussing this, I think it's about time to bring up the true focus of this movie: wasting time.

These Stormtroopers are shooting to kill... time, that is.

    This whole special is filled with choppy shorts and needless performances, which were neccesary to fill the runtime, since the whole first ten minutes of the movie are just grunts and noises from the Wookie family. Malla watches a cooking show hosted by Harvey Korman (dressed like a female alien with at least four arms) in a sequence that feels like it takes at least ten minutes, though it was probably closer to five. Lumpy unwraps a toy X-wing and flies it around for a good little while, and then unwraps a make-your-own command circuit board, used for making your own transmissions. To put the toy together, Lumpy watches a tutorial video that came with the toy, and this one is hosted by a robot who occasionally runs out of power. The tutorial video, like the cooking show, feels like it takes entirely too long to get to the point, and once the young Wookie has put the toy together, I kid you not, an Imperial officer comes up the stairs and smashes it, so it really feels like 20 minutes of your time have been deliberately wasted. There's a whole sequence where Lumpy and Itchy watch a circus performance on the holotable which just keeps going and going, and then you think it's over, but more performers come out. There's a very uncomfortable part where Harvey Korman's shopkeeper character brings Itchy some kind of weird AI companion mixed with a music video from some kind of a lounge singer, and she's just looking directly into the camera the entire time, it's really pretty jarring. There's a Jefferson Starship concert at one point because the Wookies and the shopkeeper want to distract the Imperial troops, and they bring out a little hologram stage. The Hologram band plays, and the Imperials just sit there and watch for a remarkably long time. The best part of the whole special has to be when the Empire puts out this... weird propaganda film of Bea Arthur being a bartender in Tatooine. The Imperial troops have enforced a curfew, so she basically sings a song akin to "Closing Time" where she's saying it's time for everyone to go home after one more drink. Special shout out to the weird alien guy who apparently drinks through the blowhole on his head, that Bea just pours a whole pitcher into. It's such a bizarre time and it's also hilarious. I can't say that all of this time spent is entirely wasted, as it is the first time that we see Boba Fett, because he shows up in this weird cartoon, which is probably the coolest addition to the lore of the universe from this thing.

Life Day came just the same...

    The movie ends just as you would expect, Lumpy's circuit board that was smashed by an officer is used to convince the soldiers that the planet isn't being occupied anymore, and the soldiers leave. Chewy and Han make it home, and then they all put on their blue robes, and I kid you not, the Wookies... walk through space somehow and end up in a big banquet hall. All of the main characters are here, Luke, Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, and Han are all here to celebrate Life Day with the Wookies. It's a beautiful sight, wouldn't you say? Oh, the incredible Carrie Fisher is singing now... and it's a Life Day song... to the tune of the Star Wars theme song. It's enough to bring a tear to your eye. I know I tear up, though it's typically from laughter. There's just something so bizarre about this whole special that really makes it, well, special. Is it good? Absolutely not. Is it enjoyable, though? Also probably no, a lot of the special is really boring since nothing is going on. When it hits the really silly moments though, you just can't help but laugh. Even though very few of my friends have watched this movie with me, I always try to bring it up. Again, it makes complete sense that folks don't typically take me up on it, since it's way longer than it needs to be and doesn't use any of its time well.

    Well, friends, as another year has come and gone, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Life Day, or whatever your family happens to celebrate! Thanks for joining me on this intergalactic holiday voyage, and as always, I really appreciate the support. I hope you'll have a great last week of the year and I'll talk to you really soon! This is Jonathan, your Self-Proclaimed Life Day enthusiast signing off!